And my faith journey has moved on since those ambiguous times. I have made a firm commitment to Christ (And also to a beautiful woman who was crazy enough to marry me, more of which anon). Life looks and feels different from this side of the Rubicon. I can see that before I made the 'leap of faith', I was hedging my bets, keeping my options open, looking for a life of significance but laced with as much 'ethical hedonism' as I could get away with. Now, I have made a firm commitment, it changes things. I understand myself to be a disciple of Jesus, seeking His will for my life. I believe that I am accountable for the way I choose to live my life, and how I behave towards each person I interact with. Given my lamentable tendencies towards selfishness, self-righteousness and self-preoccupation I am only glad to have access to what I believe to be unlimited Grace and unlimited Love. Indeed, I am convinced that Love is the creative power behind the universe. All that is not Love will be stripped away
Despite my new faith posture, I share many sympathies with those who struggle with doubts as well as those who find the claims of Christianity unintelligible at best and immoral at worst. I have a continuing love of the honest seeker after truth whether they be an atheist, agnostic, new age mystic, Muslim or even a Christian. I want to keep asking difficult questions about my faith, and being open to being challenged and surprised by different perspectives. In fact, only yesterday I stumbled upon confessionsofadoubtingthomas.blogspot.com. I found some thought-provoking stuff on there and sent the author of the blog a message. He came across this old blog of mine and asked me why there were so few entries which is why I am sat here writing my first blog for nearly three years. I'll try to keep it up!
I firmly believe that making a decision for Christ is actually the very beginning of the search for truth and not the end.But I was able to make my final surrender to Christ only when I became convinced at my deepest core that he was entirely trustworthy, beautiful and very unlike a Republican-voting, gun-toting Tea party patriot. I became convinced that God revealed Him/Herself uniquely in the person of Jesus, and that my life would be safe in His hands. Sometimes, actually oftentimes, Christianity itself is the biggest obstacle in the way of a would-be disciple.
Despite this new-found conviction I still find myself entertaining doubts about the fabric of Christian belief. Over the past few weeks I have read books and articles by, amongst others, radical retired-bishop John Spong, Jesus Seminar scholar Robert M Price, ex-Christian pastor John Loftus with his www.debunkingchristianity.blogspot.com which I stray onto from time to time. I see the force of many of their arguments and, from time to time, I feel unsettled. And so it is my continued ability to hold faith and doubt in both hands, and to see the logic of both that makes me happy to keep this blog entitled 'The Christian Agnostic' even though I am no longer 'agnostic' in the truest sense of that word. I am a Christian at the beginning of a journey. Now, where are we going again?